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January 23, 2010

Patience

I have very little, I've always known what I wanted, it's a pity I've done such a shit job of finding it. It's a cruel irony--life is so short, yet we must waste time dancing around each other for a predetermined amount of time until we can successfully pursue anything.

"Don't rush the brush."

Well didn't anybody tell you, nature built in a few time-bombs; some biological clocks are a-ticking, your youth is rapidly evaporating, your resolve slowly diminishing--what exactly are you waiting for?

But it appears, we must play the game, so play the game I will. Better be happy for a spell, than unhappy for a lifetime right?

Huzzah.

Justin | 1:10 AM
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January 20, 2010

Broken.

Seems, I am perpetually so.

I have cursed God, my existence, myself, so many times.

I have prayed, fought, clawed for happiness, but only managed to hold on it to for so fleeting a time one can scarcely believe it existed at all.

It's my own fault, I could have been "happy" ten times over if only I could be content with someone loving me, instead of needing to love them.

No, of course I don't believe that. But at times like these, when my bed is cold & my heart colder... I break.

I cannot function, I cannot sleep, all I can do is watch as another possible future withers before my eyes. I set myself up for this all, as is my way.

I live at the bottom of a bottle with stained fingers, a stained soul.

Where is my angel, where is my reprieve? I have lost too many loves, I am a shadow of who I wanted to be. I only know my heart exists because it aches so, I wish I could cut it out.

Who has not loved that has wanted to die? Who has not loved that has experienced the sweetest days of their lives.

Yes, I'm dramatic, but this is my space, and I'll be as dramatic as I bloody well please. These posts are moments in times, emotions chained to words, and they are mine.

Fuck you God, fuck you life, fuck you Justin.

I live to writhe another day.

Justin | 1:45 AM
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December 18, 2009

Power Struggles

Is it human nature to always seek the "upper hand", even (probably especially) in romantic relationships? It seems we never want to feel vulnerable, and determine it's safer if we keep the other partner on uneven footing--always capitalizing on opportunities to keep the balance in our favour. How weak of us.

How we would flourish if we could surrender, trust in the other person not to hold us over a barrel for any trespass. Can you imagine? I wonder if it's ever been truly achieved. It's funny/sad to think of, but I've implemented this--to at least some degree--in every love relationship I've ever had. Trouble is, my partners never seemed to share my lofty ideal.

Some might argue that it keeps things in check, and it does, because if the parties in question aren't on exactly the same page, somebody's going to get bludgeoned. They think--and rightly so--that if they both keep fighting for position from one moment to the next the happiness & hurt will probably even out in the end. Oh joy, classic human, I'll take a guaranteed intermittent pain rather than the potential for extended pain.

Meh.

Come on, let's collectively grow a spine & love, rather than "love light". Huzzah.

Justin | 10:33 PM
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So

Today is a better day. I hope the past can be left, there.

I hope I started building a new future, the right one, finally. Time will tell.

Timbuk3? One can dream.

Justin | 10:00 AM
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December 17, 2009

How many times can it break?

I feel the wretched twisted things in my gut, they leave me with a pained expression, paralyzed in the darkness, longing for release.

I wish I could sleep.

Even when I do, they jar me awake, as if waking from a nightmare.

I want the nightmares to end, I want this year to end, and if I can't have the life that's been dangled in front of me these past few months, I want everything to end.

Make it so #1.

Continue...

Justin | 3:00 AM
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December 16, 2009

Slipping through my fingers..

Everything is, and I can't bare it.

Not again, I can't survive this twice.

Justin | 11:31 PM
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December 15, 2009

Fixed the fucking comments.

Title says it all. That was a damn pain, and things are still wonky. Going from 2.x to 4.x was a great idea on paper. It appears I'm going to have to gut all my old templates, implement all the default 4.x templates and modify those--if I want to get rid of old crud and start "fresh". Boy, I wish I had the will to do all this..

Things will have to chug along like this for a while, at least.

Justin | 11:03 PM
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April 24, 2009

Changes are a comin'...

I've got a revamped look coming (it's all in my head for the moment), as well as some nifty additions to hopefully bring this blog into at least the 2007-08 era; I don't want to shoot for 2009 and hurt myself or anything...

Facebook is like methadone for my blog habit. If I spent that time actually writing I'd be much happier, but the quick vapid snips are just so easy. Yes, I apparently hate myself.

Twitter is the next thing, which definitely has its uses, but it's not something I foresee myself using with any frequency anytime soon. Hopefully when enough people jump on the bandwagon I'll use it for something useful like curing hiccups.

I miss the old Justin, where did that guy go?

Justin | 7:36 AM
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